Just a Regular (Fair & Balanced) Day

Category: Daily Diary

Okay. Remember this guy?

Alright. So HE is how my day ended. Let's start from the top.

5:00 am

Wake up in a seated position on the couch with the laptop in your lap and an aching neck. Because you still have insomnia and are having a problem synching up the "sleep" software with the "laying down on a comfortable bed" software.

5:15 am

Find the Advil. Do a load of laundry and wash the dishes. Feed the dog and the cat because they both are hanging on to your ankles. Think long and hard about someday being a parent. Decide to just leave it up to Providence.

5:45 am

Wander around a lot in a stupor. Pour a cup of cold, old coffee. Load it up with ice cubes and sugar and pretend you are drinking an "iced latte from that coffee place in Seattle". Lay down on the living room floor until that "room spinning" feeling passes. Because, at age 37, you are battling high blood pressure and you are not supposed to be drinking coffee. Especially with Advil and your morning meds. Idiot!

6:30 am

Husband wakes up and is not completely understanding why you are already awake...but is used to the unexplainable after 2 years of marriage and trots off to the upstairs icky shower.

7:15 am

Husband leaves for work and you take a shower. Wonder if you should take apart vintage fan and clean it so it doesn't start a fire in the house. Walk dog. Eat something already.

9:00 am

Begin to use the only home improvement tool you've been able to use all week since you feel kinda stuck without an electrician or plumber.

10:00 am

Leave the house and head out for a day of research...the only full day you'll get...so you know what in the heck to sell in the garag--excuse me--ESTATE sale. Head to the most horrific architectural facade to ever be designed in the last 10 years...the Harold Washington Library Center. Shudder as you walk up to it because it looks like one of the Creatures from the Black Lagoon is launching itself right off of the building AT YOU!

Imagine terrified little kids and adults with BIG imaginations freaking out as you gape up at this gargoyle on your walk across the street and up to the building. Then notice that it is ONLY AN OWL with a lot of stuff going on behind it. Feel annoyed with the architect who designed it and the city council who approved it for failing to make this MORE clear at a distance.

5:00 pm

Get in the car to head home and then have your heart jump into your throat as you catch the tail end of a story on NPR about something crazy happening in New York. Where your extended family lives. Pray. Catch the rest of the story. Breathe a sigh of relief.

6:30 pm

Get home, chat with husband about day, grill out in the "kitchen" and notice that the door to the storage space under the back porch has been pried open. Wonder if this has anything to do with why the dog got excited about something happening in the backyard at 2:00 am. Especially since someone is home all day in the houses on BOTH sides of you and couldn't have gotten in there without being seen. Think about the skunk you've been seeing all week.

7:00 pm

Leave husband outside, advising him to grill as quickly as possible, and go inside to wait until dark.

9:30 pm

Go out to bravely close the door after dark, theory being "skunk will have left for the night." Fret as amused husband trails you with camera.

Shut door and try not to laugh at husband's jokes, this is SERIOUS BUSINESS!

AND STAY OUT! Shove iron urn in front of door and kick it for good measure. Stubbing your toe.

Try to get some sleep because you are getting seriously whackaloon.

p.s. FRIDAY, AUGUST 15th is FAIR & BALANCED DAY! Happy Fair and Balanced Day!


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