A clean, sunny window
I need to stop thinking so much. I WANT to stop thinking so much. I tend to imagine the worst possible scenario and then push way beyond that.
I'm one of those people who ride in the passenger seat of life, furiously pumping an imaginary brake with her foot or making little gasping noises when an 18-wheeler comes too close.
Via Lizart
I must have dozed off with my head on the desk while I was waiting for my media project to finish rendering. I dreamt that we were in this house, but it was a different house. We could put a desk over here and a vase of flowers there because we weren't wondering if a wall was going to fall over on it.
It still needed work, but there wasn't any asbestos tile, or lead paint, or mysterious insulation that could be inhaled, or parovirus from raccoon nests, or bad ventilation, or broken joists, or mold, or wasp nests, or leaking lead pipes.
I wasn't obsessed with lung cancer, allergies or bacteria.
Friends with children could visit us. The wood floors were scrubbed and waxed. I wasn't worried about the dog or A's health or my lungs. I wasn't picturing limbs falling off or growing new limbs from exposure to some strange toxic substance, a la starfish.
The afternoon sun was streaming in through a window that was clean on the inside. It painted a stripe of light across a low wooden stool with a vase of tulips on it. Breathe deeply without fear.
I woke up with my forehead in my arms and my breathing was shallow from being doubled over. I shifted and looked at the chipping vinyl tile between my feet. Dark grey flakes.
Tripped over the dog in my hurry to get the back door open and lean against the screen, inhaling the April wind in great gulps, over and over.
It's cold here.
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Comments
Dear HIP persons:
I have been reading your diary since I have had so many bad days and bad dreams in my own old house renovation, which started last October. You are one of my sources of inspiration that keeps me moving. You, the Brickman house and American Bungalow. Great people.
Your April 11 entry worries me a little- don't get paranoid about toxic chemicals at this stage. Your bathroom (which looks alot like my own first old house project success) looks great. Don't let it get to you- even in the subconscious.
I cannot imagine losing it now that you have done so much (especially sorting thru all the crap they left!)
I am wondering what happened with your smelly hole- you still pouring baby oil in it? That cracks me up- buy at least you have a basement that is useful- ours is a glorified crawl space. We have to build a garage to get workshop space in order to be properly handy renovators.
I was wondering what neighborhood you are in in Chicago... My aunt lives near Lincoln park on Hudson in a great 1850's (I think) 2 story. She would know your area. I go to Chi town every few years to see her progress, although she is at the age of hiring major help.
Best,
Carol
Posted by: Carol | April 12, 2004 4:47 PM
Carol--
You are too kind...I always struggle with entries like today's, but I made a pledge to myself to "keep it real" as much as possible. Which means 'fessing up on the bad days. Argh. (The sites you mentioned are great inspirations to us as well. We TOTALLY dig Brickman house.)
This made Aaron and I laugh out loud..."I am wondering what happened with your smelly hole- you still pouring baby oil in it?" We had to stop and think..."Is she talking about the basement? The cat? Something else?" The basement drains are a lot better these days from the baby oil and our little "tupperware lid and free weight" rig to keep the water in the trap from evaporating. Plus, those holes in the vent pipes from the basement to the second floor are fixed, so that helps a LOT!
This next part will probably be one of the most difficult. Deconstructing the entire second floor and attic--while living on the first floor--will be a messy, yucky thing. And--safety first--not one to be taken lightly. We're in for a crazy summer.
It will be the building it back up again that will feel more satisfying. After that, the restoration of the fireplace and the rebuilding of the kitchen will be the messiest parts left. But we will have sanctuary...on the second floor.
We're on the northwest side...closer to Albany Park. But Lincoln Park was home to me back in the early 90's...a tiny flat in a 4-story walk-up. I don't think my family has yet forgiven me for all of those stairs.
Keep moving. We all gotta keep moving. Old house toxic chemicals, new house toxic chemicals :) I guess we just have to take our pic these days, eh? Give me the old anyday...as much of a pain as it is, I still know what I'm dealing with.
All the best,
jmo
Posted by: jmo | April 12, 2004 7:16 PM
Yep, I can relate: Like when I had to scrape the glue from the risers on the 2nd floor stairs because the 'floor guy' stated he would only sand the treads. It wasn't a particularly difficult job, just used the scraper tool, and there wasn't that much glue really. Well, no mask (you know, it's very hot in the stairs of an old house in the summer), so I inhaled the glue dust I surmise, as I spent the next few days with vertigo wondering what poisons were permanently in my system. Actually, I still wonder what damage I've done to myself via all the restoration projects over the past 3 years...
Lauren
Posted by: Anonymous | April 13, 2004 5:06 PM
Lauren--
You bring up a great point. Actually, I spent many a seventh grade art class cleaning silk screens with some chemical that used to make me see spots.
But it was the 70's and we thought that was actually a cool thing.
Years later, I hadn't stopped to think about how many of my brain cells abandoned ship as a result of overdoing art class.
Did that happen to anyone else?
(Why do I feel like I am the only one raising my hand all of a sudden....?)
Posted by: jmo | April 13, 2004 10:31 PM
Many an artist went crazy in the past due to their lead/mercury exposure. And I definately remember 'playing' with blobs of mercury from a broken thermometer as a child. Anyways, allowing myself to review the past three years, particularly the year we were emptying, cleaning and updating our ranch house to sell, and at the same time readying this one to move into and a 3rd house to move mother into, and then moving all the stuff (Hire movers? Why would we do that? Money better spent on floor tile that we'll install ourselves), I realize why we're so darn tired all the time! But frequently the thought also comes through that maybe we're tired also because we're damaged from the floors, ceilings, walls, old musty stuff, bug killer, falls, etc. Having said all that, I think I'm ready to go back to stripping the wallpaper in the main hall this weekend, it's going to looks so nice when it's done...
Posted by: Lauren | April 14, 2004 6:32 AM
I can relate. We gutted our kitchen last weekend and removed the old tile floor, which we had tested and 2 of the layers tested positive (5%) for asbestos. Then there's the insulation on the pipes in our basement that is flaking off all over the place and also tested positive (15%). My poor boyfriend's office is down there too. It's hard because unless you're made of $, which we aren't, you can't get it all done at once and acquire that peace of mind! We removed the tile wearing full suits and respirators and wet it down, taped everything off, and got it OUT FAST. Luckily it broke up in big chunks and took about 30 minutes. I know people who ripped out tile with NO precausions at all and children in the house to boot!
Keep the faith- You inspire me all the time woman!!
Posted by: Jocelyn | April 14, 2004 4:27 PM