Pup Dreams
I am a better person as a result of owning a dog.
Dave the Cat is a cool feline friend and we're pals...he is an awesome cat. Very cool, very laid back.
There is something different about my relationship with Coco. Dave keeps his own counsel and lives in his own sphere most of the day...he is the cat that comes and goes as he pleases. He always comes through when I need him, though. He is the best nursemaid ever.
Coco and I rotate around each other like twin satellites. Since she came to live with me, before I had met Aaron, we naturally grafted ourselves onto one another. And she has enthusiastically expanded our universe to allow Aaron in. She was also keen on Dave but he was less keen on her, so she treats him with a wary and distant respect.
She came to me when she was almost seven. And now she is thirteen. An amazing creature with a lopsided dog smile and warm, brown eyes who was perpetually hungry. She had a bad ear infection and perfect manners...no accidents or chewing shoes. She would turn her head to one side while looking at you intently. She would enthusiastically bound down the beach and into Lake Michigan without missing a beat. In her dreams, she would paddle her legs chasing tennis balls and thump her tail without waking when I would speak to her.
When I lived in a condo, I would walk her up and down four flights of stairs. During the Chicago winters, I would join the legion of other dog owners who owned down coats and kept their mittens with a leash by the door to grab, bleary-eyed, at 7:00 am. She forced a rhythm into my life. I buried my feet beneath her body on winter days when she would lie beneath the desk where I tapped at my computer. When I was very sick, she was at my side the entire day and often became my crying towel.
Now, if I cannot sleep, she keeps herself awake and follows me from room to room. She sleeps more and more during the day. Her hearing is a little off, unless you sneak out to the kitchen. Somehow, the sound of the fridge door opening never goes undetected. She is slower to rise...she becomes sore. I massage her spine and her hips. There are days when she prefers the easy slope of the front steps to the steep rise of the back steps. She walks a little more slowly. She's not as interested in fetching as she is in lying in the grass.
Earlier this week, I was in the back room and she got up for a drink of water in the kitchen. Her metal water dish clanged against the floor...her signal for, "It's empty! Come fill it!" I called to her that I would be there and slowly picked out another sentence before I followed.
She was lying on the kitchen floor, her limbs stiff, her eyes rolling. Water was everywhere and I cried out for Aaron. I ran to her but she had already recovered, was standing up, shaking it off, drenched. She went to the back door but had trouble with the steps. So I scooped her up, my big brown girl, and carried her gently down.
She has been fine all week but I sense something ominous in her age which tears at my throat and makes it hard for me to breathe. I am selfish and cowardly and so in love with my dog that my love for her terrifies me and tears my heart to shreds.
I will try to keep my momentum. I will try to stop dissolving into tears every evening as she lies upon her bed in sleep and I hang off of the edge of mine, watching her. I will try to make whatever time I have with her as fun and interesting during her waking hours as I can.
I will try to live up to the selflessness she awakened in me with her arrival and I will try to let her go graciously when she needs to go.
I am a better person as a result of having known her. And who am I kidding? She owns me.
(15)
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Comments
I know.....It is hard for people without pets to understand the ....depth of feeling you have for these creatures that share our lives. It is so hard to let go, and each time I vow, I will not do this to myself again, and each time my vow lasts all of the time it takes to look into the eyes of another kitten or cat. Or hear that rumble of a purr. I don't have dogs , never will, but I understand, and you and Coco will be in my thoughts. I wish for her to be with you for a long time yet.
Posted by: C | August 26, 2004 8:40 PM
Seems like she will enjoy dipping in the lake when you visit. So great ! Looking forward to your visit, you guys !
Love ya, Dad & Mom
Posted by: dad | August 26, 2004 9:35 PM
I've been reading your site each day with great joy for quite a while now, as I have my own bungalow with somewhat more *minor* repairs...
But reading your response this morning brought tears to my eyes. I was so sad to hear about you and the ol' girl. I had a old yellow lab who was my soulmate, truly--if he was a man I would have married him--who several months ago, had an episode like your babe and passed away a couple of blurry days later. You may have already done so, but you might ask Coco's vet; Wolfie had an undetected blood clot, and a stroke, which led to the collapse. (Oddly enough, I think he was taking care of me as much as I was of him, in those few days.) Anyway, they've got pretty good medications to treat them in lap-radors, if you can get them early enough.
I just wanted to say hello, and to let you know that I'm thinking of you both. Dogs have a funny way of finding their way into our lives, sometimes when we least expect it, and we become each other's angels. I agree with C--people without pets have a hard time understanding how the little souls in animal bodies become family so quickly.
Why can't dogs have a parrot-type lifespan?
(Sorry, by the way, I realize this is a somewhat depressing post.)
Posted by: Jess | August 27, 2004 7:33 AM
JM- Boy, are we in the same boat! My German Shepherd Josie also is 13 and doesn't get around much at all (the most she will do is ONE stair, and we cannot lift her!). She trips up often, but recovers. Old dogs can sometimes just hang in there until their limbs fail them, with our last dog it was the nerves connecting everything that failed over a period of 18 months, when his time was up. I cried for weeks, and still cannot bear to replace him a year later. It is much easier to have an acute disease situation than having to finally make the call when the minuses outweigh the pluses. It is good they take such pleasure in small things at this age- like licking the batter bowl and the head scratch they can't do on their own.
Coco sounds like she is in relatively good shape, you may want to take her to the vet, maybe they can tell whether she had a neurological 'event' and give her meds. Coco is one special girl. You sound like a great dog mother.
Carol
Posted by: Carol | August 27, 2004 8:08 AM
JM: Your story brought tears to my eyes. I love dogs and all animals. Having just lost my two hedgehogs during this past winter, I am still very sad. They were almost four years old, which is old for a hedgehog. How lucky you are to have Coco for these years! She seems like such sweet companion.
I will pray to St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals, for you, Aaron and Coco.
Posted by: Sandra | August 27, 2004 8:54 AM
I'm so sorry to hear this. People without pets never understand the bond that can be shared with animals. I will keep coco in mind and send good thoughts and wishes your way.
Posted by: irasali | August 27, 2004 10:40 AM
I know what you mean. Last week, my 2 year old Springer Spaniel ran away in the night. We looked for her for hours. The next morning we found her in front of the house - someone had run her over and left her. I have been a mess ever since. She was the best puppy - always following us around, always wanting to play catch.
Part of me wants another puppy to fill the void right now...another part of me says I don't deserve another dog.
*sigh*
[ps, your site really inspires me. I tried to start my own remodelling diary...but I'm not very diligent in updating :( ]
Posted by: Ms Erickson | August 27, 2004 11:00 AM
Wow - your entry brought tears to my eyes. I have a chocolate lab named Bow. She was 5 when I got her and she has been my rock. She helped me get through a rough time in my life. Like Coco, she has opened her heart to my husband. Bow is a very old 9 now...arthritic, allergies, on many medications. But she's still so selfless...she does everything for me and I owe her so much. Bow and I will be thinking about you and Coco this week.
Posted by: Donna | August 27, 2004 11:41 AM
I don't have a dog--I have a cat who thinks he's a dog--but I think I know what you're going through. The scary thing about cats is that while they do tend to live longer than dogs, they also tend to hide their pain better, so you often don't know what's wrong until it's too late. I love my cat. He's one in a million, like Coco. I try not to think about the day when I'll find him suddenly very, very sick, and there's nothing I can do about it. I know--or at least I hope--that it's far in the future, but I dread that day anyways.
People think that having pets is the same as having children, but it's not really all that similar. Although enormous amounts of love are undoubtedly involved in parenting, you raise children and set them free, and you get part of your reward from knowing that you raised them well and that they are independent. When you have pets, they are entirely dependent on you, and all they can give you back is love, and it's so hard to live up to that.
I'm absolutely sure that Coco knows she's loved.
Posted by: tully monster | August 27, 2004 12:07 PM
Bless yours and Coco's BIG hearts. I love my dogs too- they are only 2 and 5 years old right now, but I know someday I will be facing what you are. There is something so solid and wise about labs too.
Posted by: Jocelyn | August 28, 2004 8:25 AM
I am Coco's #1 fan and if anything happens to her, I will cry the same as I would for my own 2 dogs. Even though I've never met her, it's easy to see how special and loved she is from your pictures. I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way. Be strong, Coco girl!
Posted by: bungalowdoglover | August 31, 2004 4:13 AM
When you lose a good dog, you lose a family member, a best buddy, a baby monitor, a bodyguard, a security system, a footstool, a vacuum cleaner, an alarm clock, a therapist, a garbage disposal, an exercise program...all wrapped up in one unique, furry little creature. It leaves a pretty big hole...
I wish I knew some wise, magic words that will give you the strength and comfort you'll need when it comes time to say goodbye to Coco. But I'm afraid I don't know any magic words. I do know that your relationship with her is priceless and profound, and you have every reason in the world to dissolve into tears while you watch her sleep and contemplate life without her. I still shed a few tears every day over losing Dinah, and it's been almost 5 months now.
One thing that does make me feel better is remembering Dinah's passion for life, and trying to live up to it in my own life.
That's what I treasured most about Dinah---her ability to be absolutely present in every moment. Everything she did, she did 100%, with passion---even sleeping. That's the legacy she left me when she died, and I try to honor her memory by being more present in my life. As a human, I have to think, plan, worry on occasion, feel regret now and then...but when I think of Dinah, I remember to turn all of that off for a minute and just be...100% in the moment, feeling 100% of whatever it is I'm feeling.
You can't stop time, and you can't hold on to Coco when she's ready to go, but you can hold on to what she's taught you and make it part of the way you live your life. That may bring you some comfort. In the meantime, enjoy those moments, be present in them, breathe them in, and treasure them.
Posted by: mary | August 31, 2004 9:14 AM
I just read about poor Coco - I have 2 labs now and have gone through losing one back in 98. If you ever need any help with anything "lab" related check out http://www.lab-retriever.net - it's a board for labrador lovers to hang out and there are tons and tons of advice from training, to medical, nutrition, pictures, etc.
I will keep you and Coco in my thoughts.
Posted by: Jacky | August 31, 2004 10:41 AM
Although I share my bungalow with the two most fabulous cats ever (next to Dave, of course), I can totally identify with how big you love Coco. I wish her (and you) the good fortune of my Ariel—after a few fearsome episodes over the years, she's ticking along at nearly 16. Here's hoping for many years of footwarming love and house blessings, and thanks so much for opening your virtual house doors to us fan readers.
Posted by: Kristin | August 31, 2004 4:58 PM
oh my god, I am totally bawling. Please feel better Coco.
Posted by: dena | September 13, 2004 5:16 PM