The Truth About Committing to a Fixer Upper
Friday night our plans fell through so we ended up around the house with no set plans. We ended up gravitating upstairs (not surprising, as it is now the cleanest place in the house) and just watching planes pass over the skylights. It was something I was eager for ever since we were first designing the room two years ago.
We ended up reflecting a lot about the past two years. It was an interesting discussion about the real implications of doing this renovation ourselves, so I thought I'd write about it here.
Looking back, we didn't regret our decision to take on such a large project or the impact it has had on our lives. It has been a positive financial decision, it's opened lots of new doors for friendships and experiences (including this site, of course!), and we've learned a ton.
That said, it's been much harder than we expected it would be.
As we talked, I remembered a very specific conversation we had nearly three years ago when we still lived in our condo and were in house-hunting mode. We'd just seen this house for the first time, actually. Pondering the purchase of a fixer-upper, Jeannie was very clear about her sense of what we'd be committing ourselves to.
"You realize that buying a house like this means dedicating every weekend to working on it, right?" she asked me.
"Yeah, obviously," I said at the time. I said that, but to be honest I was thinking something more like "Of course that's what it means. It's not like I'd be too lazy to do the work. I can hack it. Can you?" Needless to say, I didn't say these things out loud.
Looking back, I mistook the question. Making this committment wasn't really a commitment to have the energy, skill or knowledge to do all these new things. It wasn't about how much work we'd have to add to our life, it was what we'd have to give up in order to do the work on this fixer-upper that has been difficult. That wasn't as easy for me to grasp then as it is now.
We miss a lot of things we had more time for before dedicating ourselves to this house. Time with friends. Going out to movies, theater or the bookstore on the weekend. Taking on small projects just for fun. Doing nothing, for that matter, seems like an unreasonable luxury anymore.
The prevailing urgency to keep the renovation going is the culprit. It's hard to ignore the pressure (from ourselves, of course) to spend every hour or weekend doing something that counts as renovation work. It's not even about the fatigue of actually doing the work--we're the best example of that, as we're not the fastest renovators on the planet--it's the psychological pressure to at least have renovation in mind if not in action. (As an aside, I'm guessing this is not unlike having kids...maybe we'll just look back on all of this as training.)
When you're living in a fixer-upper, I think there's a constant mental calcuation going on: Which is more valuable--an hour of carefree relaxation now or a future hour of relaxation when we've finally cleaned up this mess? For us, all too often, this subconscious calculation either pushes us to spend that hour working or (worse) feeling guilty for taking a break.
So, enlightened from our evening conversation (and admittedly a bit unburdened by having finally moved upstairs), we took Saturday off. Not just in terms of not working on the house (again, there have been plenty of unproductive weekends around here!) but in terms of getting away from even thinking or worrying about work on the house.
Surprisingly, it worked! It didn't hurt that it was an absolutely gorgeous October day in Chicago yesterday. It's also fair to clarify that we replaced house work with 'baby-coming' work (Babies-R-Us is huge!) but that's not the point--it wasn't our need to do nothing, it was being mentally free from the house.
In the future, we've agreed to figure out more ways to keep our balance. Being self-aware is probably help in itself, but I still don't expect it to be easy. Once the next project really starts to get going, I'm guessing a complimentary cycle of guilt will be ready to kick in. For now, we'll at least try to enjoy what we have...
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Comments
In this area I've lucked-out. I am unemployed and have the ability to work during the week while my daughter is at school and then relaxing on the weekends. Very unfair to most who have a full-time job, the full-time job of house renovation, and the full-time job of family. My hat's off to all who are in possession of more than one of these.
Even having the week free it sometimes seems like I can't get everything done. I'm mom, dad (my daughters dad died), lawn keeper, house keeper, and lone house renovator. I have only a station wagon (with no damned luggage rack on top, how stupid is that?) and limited funds. So I knew getting into this old house meant it would take years to fix up to my liking and tons of patience. With that said, I know that it is important to take time to have fun as the house progresses and if it progresses at a snails pace then too bad.
I'm glad to hear you had a great day spent on not thinking about your house renovation and feeling guilty about it. Sometimes it's hard to let it go, but it is necessary.
Posted by: Patricia W. | October 2, 2005 12:00 PM
Darwin and I had a similar conversation last night, though ours was the opposite. We've been spending too MUCH time not working on or thinking about working on the house, and progress has slowed to a crawl. It's fall now, which means less-sweltering weather and a more urgent need to get our winterizing projects done. Our motivation has been low lately, and we need to rev it back up!
Posted by: Kristin | October 2, 2005 1:07 PM
Yeah it's too bad that you've spent so much time deicating so much time and effort to something that can never love you back. But luckily you haven't mentioned regrets like a relative passing away that you didn't spend time with because you were too busy with remodeling.
Posted by: Live Life | October 2, 2005 1:28 PM
Your post gave me reflection on how I ended up with this 'fixer-upper.' Summing it up, 14 yrs. ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. My son was 4 months old, I was in grad. school. All was fine (working, finished MA) for 4 years. Then another tumor. Post-op I was 'bored' and began pulling up old shag carpet (other house, now for sale)to reveal wood floors. I was so tickled. Over the years, 12 neurosurgeries ensued, had to drop work on PhD, close private practice, ex vanished, ended up on disability. I could not find hope nor excitement - I felt all would lead to disappointment with unknown medical issues cropping up eventually. Then family member found this house last summer, and it instilled a goal for me to make a new home for us (me, son, dogs). A new start, to go at my own pace, and it represents a new beginning plus a feeling of deep roots. Funny how the nurturing of house seems to nurture something in me. Take care, from Jane
Posted by: Jane | October 2, 2005 1:46 PM
Interesting post. I have found that I cannot do regret in any form. I spent a few years in my late 20's in angst regretting that my life wasn't going to be what I thought it should be- that was more than enough. If I was struck down right now, everyone could say I was pursuing my dream. Yes, some people think it's crazy (some are envious), but it's a simple dream- to have a haven-- and we are well on our way.
sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without this "work" but then someday relatively soon, I will find that out.
I totally understand the need to have a mental break- I know this whole thing wears me and Steve down and makes us irritable at times. Glad you had such a beautiful day for yours.
Posted by: Jocelyn | October 2, 2005 7:39 PM
I think being able to retreat from the work is a big deal, too. Most people can go home from their jobs. It's hard to live in a cluttered, unfinished space, where the evidence of work yet to be done is always in your face.
Posted by: Lisa Williams | October 2, 2005 8:38 PM
Hard work may pay off over time, but laziness ALWAYS pays off now.
Posted by: jamie | October 2, 2005 9:41 PM
Thanks for sharing this. How true that you don't realize how much you miss on all those weekends off.
We try to take off one weekend a month to compensate. The emphasis is on the word 'try'. It's a hefty sacrifice. The goal is usually to get out of completely town and even take a mini break somewhere semi-exotic (but close by). Our batteries are recharged and we usually have fresh perspective when we get back home. We've found that too much time spent looking from the inside out is bad for the project and bad for the couple!
Posted by: chrisc | October 3, 2005 3:41 AM
Aaron, Thank you for the honest reflection. I completely relate when you say how foreign the concept of a free weekend seems to you.
In the end, you do what you can do and you should never feel guilty about the things you can't get around to. There is no dress rehearsal for life. Pick your priorities, and try your best to balance everything out.
Posted by: Phil | October 3, 2005 7:52 AM
You two are so smart to be thinking about this before children! When children are young you will have to refocus, because tasks are not linear with children, but process oriented. They delight in doing the same things over and over-"only ONE more time down the slide, reread Good Night Moon for the millionth time, etc" I grew up with 5 siblings, and our parents rennovated a barn that became our house, while we all lived there. I am sure it was not easier to let us "help" with painting, and building bookshelves, but they allowed us to feel part of it. Kids also do not care two cents worth about perfectionism, so I'm sure my parents had to grin and bear it often. I really had to adjust the guilt meter when I became stay-at-home-Mom because it was hard to measure progress at the end of the day. Somedays if I got dinner on the table, that was a huge accomplishment. (And some nights my loving husband had a bowl of cereal!) It was however,the best decision I ever made(we ever made). Now we have a teenager, and a tweenager, and I am still an almost never at home stay-at-home Mom! I love your site, and God Bless on the newest addition!
Posted by: Tammy | October 3, 2005 8:06 AM
I was removing glazing from a window just yesterday morning and I got halfway through and stopped. I got the wife and kids ( 2yr and 5yr) and went to the beach. It wasn't planned, and it was definetly the right thing to do. I feel the same way about getting things done even if it's something small. Having children does make it difficult however. I try and keep saturdays open from 5:30AM till 12:00 to work on the house. The rest of the time is with the kids. My house looks like hell from the outside now and I'm trying to live with it until I can fix it. Congrats on the announcement! With everything you guys do with housebloggers and this site as well as work on your house, I think you'll do fine juggling a kid to.
Posted by: Jim | October 3, 2005 9:53 AM
I think all of us who are fixing up any kind of a house go through this. I am in the midst of doing some routine interior painting in our 1950's cape cod, followed by refacing the kitchen cabinets and putting new doors on (after getting rid of the gunk from the LAST reface job), and painting and cleaning are eating my weekends. One of my many hobbies is film reviewing, and movies are one thing that's fallen by the wayside as I buckle down and start fixing the place up.
The question is what do you enjoy more. If the renovations are becoming a drag, put aside the things that can be deferred and take a couple of weekends to just do fun things. If the work on the house is what you love to do, then it's not a chore, right?
Posted by: Jill | October 6, 2005 1:48 PM