Priorities, Home Improvement and Marital Harmony
Someone who read the story in the New York Times asked me about the decision-making we engage in here at HouseinProgress. They were curious about the "five things" that were mentioned there. So, here is the whole story about the five things.
Aaron and I are both very design-oriented people with strong opinions. (I just tend to be more dramatic in expressing mine.) Neither one of us is the type to just throw up our hands and say to the other one, "Okay, go ahead. Do what you want. I don't care." We care. We care very much. From wall color to furniture to the kind of technology we're using to the style and size of our coffee mugs. (Large. Must hold at least 12 ounces of java. Red.)
Oh, sure. There might be some things that we hand off to the other person. But since I can't think of any as I am sitting here, it's obvious to me that there aren't many of those things.
When we were planning our wedding, we both had strong opinions about most things. Oh, the wedding dress, the bridesmaids and the flowers were my thing. And the tuxes, groomsmen and honeymoon were his. But we co-designed and made our custom invitations, had strong ideas about photography, had specific ideas about music, you get the picture. To reduce the amount of debate over details, we came up with the "Five Things" method.
We each chose five things that were very important to us, then agreed that as long as we got those five things, nothing else mattered enough to fight over. If negotiations on anything began to escalate, we'd ask ourselves, "Is this important enough to make it one of my five things?" If not, the decision would regain perspective and we'd focus on compromise. This also helped us to reframe our perspective of our wedding day where something is always bound to take an unexpected turn. We had each other's back and we worked to hard to make sure that those five things that the other one had chosen unfolded without incident. Anything else that might go wrong? Eh. No big deal.
(This also was extended to immediate family members who had a role in helping to plan the wedding. For example, we gave both sets of parents "three things". As long as those things didn't conflict with our things, or with each other, planning was less stressful. We surfaced potential conflicts very early and dealt with them without the time pressure of being close to the wedding day.)
How did we come up with five things? A long time ago, I was the maid of honor in a wedding. I watched the bride and the bride's mother duke it out over EVERYTHING. Every detail. Colors. Tablecloths. Centerpieces. Everything. The mother of the bride was wearing the bride down on every little detail. One day, the bride and her mom were discussing the centerpieces for the reception. The bride loved daisies. Her mom was aghast, "Daisies??! No way! That's ridiculous. Too casual. You have to have roses." The bride finally snapped, had it out with her mother, and their relationship got ugly for months. I was determined to never let that happen to me. I wondered what my friend's mother's priorities were. Were daisies THAT terrible? Terrible enough to wreck a relationship with her daughter? That seemed ridiculous. What was really the most important part of the day for her?
The five things strategy worked so well for our wedding, that we have employed it in the house. We each drew up our lists before we even bought the house. And if we couldn't have ironed out any conflicts that we had between our lists, we might have never purchased the house. Because our relationship is more important than a house. Period.
To this day, I still hear my five things echoed back to me whenever Aaron is talking to someone else about the house or whenever he is showing me ideas in magazines. He tells them how we plan on adding a dormer to our west-facing walk-in attic, and is fully committed to that despite the added expense and aggravation. He knows that natural light is important to me. And that eventually having "a room of my own"-such as a small studio--is a goal. I know that having a working fireplace is important to him. As is a structured wiring plan and the technology to run on it. And if that means we have to do without a fancy refrigerator or wait a little longer to save up more money to start another phase of the project? Well, so be it. We're both working together to make sure that the other person gets what is most important to them.
Does it work? It works for us. Will it work for anyone? I don't know. But, after four years of living with the stress of a whole house renovation, we're still married. Maybe that was the unspoken "sixth thing" on each of our lists. Good thing, too. Because who else would get me chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night and kill all of the spiders?
But the five things is only one trick we use. There are others...
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Comments
"...there are others..." indeed! Some extremely wise person hipped me to the idea that men and women talk over important issues better when sitting side-by-side. Small thing, but it's worked for our 7 year marriage!
Posted by: Lisa in Oak Park | January 18, 2007 5:45 AM
Didn't you know, a wedding is for the bride's mother, not the bride. Been that way for centuries =)
Posted by: perogi | January 18, 2007 6:33 AM
I definitely think the "deal breakers" are important to discuss before any major project/decision/event. In terms of decorating, Mr P is far more laid back about it than I am--generally I propose an idea, listen to what he has to say, come back with different options if necessary, and he has final veto power if he really hates something. Luckily after 14+ years of marriage, I generally know what he likes, so I start off with things he'll usually okay.
And the "room of one's own" is a necessary factor in any household. We bought a five bedroom house knowing full well that we would only ever have two kids--the other two rooms are our separate offices. Sharing a bedroom is a great part of marriage, sharing your "space" makes for conflict.
Posted by: pink | January 18, 2007 7:35 AM
Awesome advice. I just sent the post on to Sean as well. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: nadja and sean | January 18, 2007 3:50 PM
If that photo had a thought bubble over your head it would say something like, "Yay! Cake!!"
The side-by-side theory is interesting to me. The boyfriend and I tend to do most of our "heavy" talking - as well as having some good silly, giggly moments - while stretching out together (fully clothed, I mean) next to each other on my bed.
Posted by: Kristen | January 19, 2007 12:46 PM
That is pretty cool that it works for you. I think ultimately, this is what needs to happen- pick priorities.
I'd say that between Steve and I, he is the stronger willed and more opinionated one about aesthetics and projects in general. But he lets me decide many things on the style. He just has certain constraints. Sometimes we argue about them :) We used to argue more and have both mellowed over time.
Posted by: Jocelyn | January 20, 2007 6:29 PM