I Am Away
(Written a couple of days ago, posted now.)
This weekend, I am away.
Before I was married, I used to take at least one vacation by myself each year to regroup, relax and decompress. This led to a love of bed and breakfasts, of wandering unfamiliar streets with no agenda and striking up conversations with strangers in coffee houses and pubs.
Case in point: I had just met these people two hours before this picture was taken in Salzburg, Austria. September, 1995. I have no idea why we are posing like that.
I haven't taken one of these vacations in awhile, although Aaron has been encouraging me to do it every year since we have been married. I don't know. There was always something else to do, someone else to tend to, some deadline to meet, or some project to finish. And so my interior resources have become more depleted over time, with my emotional gauge hovering slightly above empty for awhile now.
So I left the car behind and took a train to Woodstock, Illinois. A charming little town outside of Chicago, close to friends and the countryside. I was hoping that it would shake me out of my doldrums and reignite some of the passion I used to feel for my work.
So far, it has been somewhat difficult. I am clearly exhausted and unable to muster a shred of enthusiasm for taking up a pen or sitting down with my laptop. Even my camera is a weight in my hands.
Winter is no friend to me. Every year, the gray light of January darkens my mood and forces me to flail around for a handhold. I am very good (I think) at hiding this mood away from others after a lifetime of practicing the maintenance of a cheerful public demeanor. I can fake it for only so long before I fold in upon myself again. I find myself practicing "hit and run" type social engagements. I'm good for an hour, maybe two, before I have slink around the corner and collapse into a bundle of rags on the floor. Maintaining the facade is exhausting.
Taking off for unfamiliar places is a dicey proposition. I cannot control everything that will happen to me on the journey or how it will meet my expectations. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised and buoyed up by the unexpected kindness of strangers. Other times, there are delays and inconveniences and disappointments that take too much energy to untangle.
Woodstock is a lovely town, really lovely. And the food at La Petite Creperie is tasty. The Town Square Inn is cozy. It's beautifully decorated and the innkeepers are delightful. As always, however, my work follows me everywhere. I ran into the innkeeper in the hallway as she was taking a new pair of lamps to another room and she is Bethany Souza from HGTV's Designed to Sell who has managed to have a child AND remain impossibly tall/willowy/chic despite all of her work on her Inn, on television, and in real estate. Looking at myself in the mirror and examining my nails, I vow to make it to the gym more often when I return home as well as buy some new emery boards. Her mom works in the same field that I used to work in full-time and knows some of the same people, which had me musing late at night about my career. Wondering how I could get more involved in some exciting new projects AND manage to dedicate the same amount of hours a week to Grace and the house and teaching and writing and Aaron and, oh right, the gym and...
If only there were more hours in a day. I want to do it all. I despair when I can't. I feel like I'm missing out on something.
Yesterday, I was able to spend a couple of hours with some friends who are renovating a farmhouse nearby. Seeing them made the trip worthwhile for me. Along with the surprise of spotting a herd of deer in the woods from the window of the train. The slowly swirling snow falling past the white twinkling lights in the town square when I arrived.
If anything, this trip has encouraged me to not deplete myself to this degree again. I'll return to Woodstock in the fall when I have more energy for the trip.
I cannot wait to hug Aaron and Grace when I get home.
(3)
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Comments
It looks like you've decided to "Walk Like an Egyptian" in that photo. I have a few of myself like that, too.
Posted by: Joanne | January 29, 2008 2:08 PM
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who gets bogged down between the renovation and "real life". There are days I feel like it's an impossible balancing act. I can either work at my job, or work on the house, but not both. And then my days off are spent either working on the house or trying to catch up on cleaning the house. This was supposed to be fun...!
Just try to remember why you bought the house, how much you've already accomplished, and focus on what's really important (friends, family, yourself). Take care of the important things, and the rest should fall into place. Hang in there!
Posted by: Di | January 30, 2008 2:54 PM
Thanks for this post- I'm going through something similar, and it's nice to know it's not just me! I haven't tried the solo vacation idea (instead I immerse myself into good books and baking) but might start looking at traveling instead. Good luck getting back into your groove!
Posted by: B | January 31, 2008 11:29 AM